Rant-to-Own: Comcast Round 2

Ah, Comcast, you find new ways to annoy even when you're trying to please.

The day after my recent post about the lousy Internet and TV service I've been getting (for several years), I got a very nice message from someone at the company saying that they'd like to get the issues resolved.

I was impressed.  Obviously, they're making a pro-active effort to look for customer issues mentioned on on the Internet and taking fast action to get them resolved.

So, I responded with details about the problems I've been having.  The Comcast rep immediately responded that he'd put me in touch with a local rep, who would get back to me that day.

At 5:30 p.m. that evening (Wednesday), I received an email from the local service rep, who asked me to contact her to set up a visit for a technician to come out.

Since I didn't get home until quite late Wednesday night, I didn't have a chance to answer the message, much less think about when I want a technician to come out. 

Thursday morning, I left my house at 7 a.m., didn't return until around 5.  As a result, I missed the local rep's 4:30 phone call, which she pointed out in a 4:32 email:

"I just left a message on your answering service as I have not heard from you.  If you are still experiencing service issues, please contact me.  I will schedule a visit  with our Technical Resolution Technician at a convenience  [sic] time for you to resolve the service issue."

(Sounds like the technician will be coming out to watch me resolve the issue, doesn't it?)

Although I was a little annoyed at the "if you are still experiencing service issues" -- I mean, did she think they miraculously resolved after four years? -- I figured I'd call her today (Friday) and set something up.

But, life intervened, and I was out most of the day and didn't have time to call.  At 5:05 today, I received the following email:

"Thank you for contacting our executive office with your questions and concerns.  We value your business and would like the opportunity to resolve your issue as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, our attempts to contact you have been unsuccessful. 

"Please contact our office, at [phone #] at your earliest convenience if we can be of assistance, between the hours of 8am and 5pm.  In the event that we do not hear from you by 11/21/08, we will consider your issue resolved. We look forward to hearing from you."

So, now Comcast puts me on a one-week deadline because I didn't respond to THEM within two business days?   Gimme a break.  I'm still waiting to hear back from them about an billing error in 2004.  Heck, I've spent 48 hours ON HOLD waiting to talk to Comcast service reps over the years.

(OK, I'm exaggerating.  My record was 3 hours, 22 minutes on hold with Comcast in January 1996.  I'd have hung up, but after the first hour, I became fascinated to see just how long it would take to reach a service rep.)

Just for fun, let's parse this model of customer service a bit:

1.  "Thank you for contacting our executive office with your questions and concerns." 

Actually, YOU contacted ME.  And, it wasn't a "question or concern," it was a complaint about lousy service. 

Moving on...

2. "We value your business and would like the opportunity to resolve your issue as quickly as possible." 

Mmmm-hmmm, I'm listening...

3.  "Unfortunately, our attempts to contact you have been unsuccessful." 

Your attempts to contact me have indeed been successful; your attempts to get an immediate response from me have been unsuccessful.

4.  "Please contact our office, at [phone #] at your earliest convenience if we can be of assistance, between the hours of 8am and 5pm." 

How should I know if you "can be of assistance?"  (The track record is not good.) 

BTW, my "earliest convenience" is unlikely to occur "between the hours of 8am and 5pm." But whatever...

5.  "In the event that we do not hear from you by 11/21/08, we will consider your issue resolved." 

You're giving me a deadline and a threat?  Guess you don't value my business that much. 

It's no wonder that Verizon trucks have been circling this building like hungry jackals for months now...